I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize