You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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