take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
