Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
