Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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