Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I pour the whiskey from now on
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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