Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
