I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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