Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
