if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
