Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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