That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
