so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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