His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
