He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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