I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
