Soap is not a condiment
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
