Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Randomize
