I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
