your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
