dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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