mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
