I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
