i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
