I want to have your abortion
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
