my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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