anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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