I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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