When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
