Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I understand Curling. That high.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
