I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
