Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
