Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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