I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
