I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
