i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
