i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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