last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
