If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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