I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
