We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
