whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
