I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize
