I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
you will always have a special place in my vag
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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