It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
