Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
