i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I had to cum in my sink.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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