I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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