you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
