Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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