So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
