ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize