Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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