you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
