I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
