everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
