Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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