You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
